As a caregiver, a daughter’s love holds strong as Alzheimer’s disease takes over her mother’s body and mind.

On a typical morning at her home in Duluth, Minn., 56-year-old Kim Dean can be found caring for her mother in the family’s cozy basement apartment. Her 82-year-old mother, Delores Holt, is resting in a hospital bed -- clean, comfortable and covered with a beautiful quilt. Kim already has washed her, changed her and fed her. 

Dave Ballard  / Living Stones News Duluth’s Kim Dean, 56, tirelessy cares for her mother, Delores Holt, 82, who suffers from the debilitating effects of Alzheimer’s disease.   “It’s amazing how God gives you what you need at the time,” she said.  “It’s not a burden to me to take care of her — it’s a blessing.”

Kim sits, holding her mother’s hand, saying a prayer over her or gently speaking words of love and comfort. She sings “The Old Rugged Cross,” a hymn she often heard her mother sing while she was growing up. But for years there has been no spark of recognition. No smile. No response.

Eventually her mother’s eyes close and she drifts again into a peaceful sleep. Kim quietly slips out to resume the responsibilities of a busy pastor’s wife and mother of five. She’ll be back to check on her mother in a few hours -- to change her, to give her a sip of water, to stroke her hair.

Delores is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s disease, but there is no hint of self-pity in Kim, who has cared for her mother since 1998.

“It’s amazing how God gives you what you need at the time,” she said. “It’s not a burden to me to take care of her – it’s a blessing.”

Kim Dean became a caregiver early in life, often babysitting for her younger brother and sister. Her family moved to Duluth when she was in seventh grade; her parents divorced a few years later. With a working mother, a missing father and an alcoholic, drug-addicted older brother, Kim took on even more responsibilities for her siblings.

Yet she adored her mother.

“My mom was a wonderful, beautiful lady, and people just loved her,” she said. “She was kind and cheerful and always made the best of even bad situations. She was the bright spot in the midst of the chaos.”

Although Delores would drink occasionally, it didn’t appear to be a problem until 1996, when she was treated for breast cancer and retired from her job.

“She was drinking heavily all the time and was very confused,” Kim said.

In 1997, a doctor diagnosed Kim’s mother with alcohol-related dementia. So it was a strange kind of blessing when Delores slipped and broke her ankle a few months later. Kim moved her mother into their home with her husband, Rob’s, full support. Soon Delores was sober and attending church with the Dean family.

Yet, in spite of her sobriety, Delores was still extremely confused. Reluctantly, Kim went to court to become her mother’s conservator (a person responsible for protecting the interests of a legal incompetent).

“That was the most difficult part of the whole thing -- having to become the parent and take over and take away her freedom,” Kim said.

When the Dean family sold their house and moved out to the country in 1999, they moved Delores into a mobile home adjacent to their new house.

The next year and a half were extremely stressful. Rob’s father passed away unexpectedly, and his mother, Leona, didn’t want to live alone. The Deans quickly built an apartment for her in their basement.

Delores, who was still driving, began sneaking off to buy liquor. She often got lost and the Deans spent countless hours trying to find her. Kim said it was a relief when a judge took away her license.

In 1999, the family received an official diagnosis of something they had suspected for more than a year -- Delores had Alzheimer’s disease.

Kim’s once-beautiful mother ignored her personal hygiene and became smelly and unkempt. When the family tried to coax her to take a shower, she would insist, “I just took one this morning!” And she believed it.

In spite of the family’s best efforts, Delores continued to wander, often in the middle of the night.

“Sometimes eight times a day I would get in the car and drive after her,” Kim said.          

As a pastor and his wife, Rob and Kim were dealing with the daily challenges and ministry needs at Glad Tidings Church (currently The River Church). At home, the Deans were dealing with a wandering Alzheimer’s patient, a grieving widow, a prodigal son, active children and troubled foster children.

“There was a lot of stress and a lot of prayer,” Kim said.

She prayed every morning with Rob and took advantage of her time in her car.

“Those were some of my best times of prayer,” Kim said. “I’d be driving and crying and praying. I would always feel lifted.”

Then Rob’s mother passed away suddenly. A bitter, cold winter set in, and Kim became more concerned about her mother.

The Deans moved Delores into their basement apartment, where they had installed special locks above the doors to keep her safely contained. She often spent time upstairs with the family, but in her own apartment she was able to watch TV, listen to her favorite music or pace through the rooms and touch things when she became restless.

Keeping a sense of humor helped ease the tension in their home. Kim laughed as she remembered some of the unusual things that happened.

“As my mom was getting forgetful, she’d sit here at the table, and she’d look over and see one of my sons, and she’d say, ‘Who’s that handsome young man?’ She’d get all flirty.”

To keep her mother from becoming restless, Kim provided projects for her to do such as putting together a simple puzzle or folding a load of towels over and over. She also took her mother shopping and to church.

But the cruel disease gradually destroyed her mother’s mental and physical abilities until she was unable to talk, walk or care for herself. She has been completely bedridden, helpless and unresponsive for two years.

Rob has witnessed the level of care Kim provides and admitted that he could never do it.

“She’s just so selfless in her care for her mom,” he said. “She’s the ultimate nurturer. She’s cheerful and she never complains.”

Kim deflected any words of praise back to God, saying she is thankful for the gifts, grace and strength He has provided, often through their friends and congregation members. She relies on many Bible verses but easily quoted her favorite -- Ephesians 6:2-3 – “Honor your father and mother -- which is the first commandment with a promise -- that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

If you are caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease and need tips or support, Kim Dean welcomes your call at (218) 428-1382.